Irritated

I never thought I would say this but I am irritated
This is kind of a multiple irritation

On Facebook, there are people on garage sales groups who get on and sell "Quick fixes" for weight loss
"Wraps that will make you skinny"
"drops you put in your water so you don't want to eat"
"This shake or that shake that will fill you up"
This never really irritated me before
I think it's because before I REALLY wanted to get healthy, I am someone who would have bought it
So I am irritated with my old self

But then I get irritated with people who think that that is all they have to do to lose weight
I get irritated with the sellers

I had to come to a realization on my own that it took me a LONG time to gain this weight, it's going to take me a while to lose it
It's been creeping up on me since my teens
There is no such thing as a miracle pill that will take your weight off of you in a month
If there is something out there that will do that for you, it's not healthy for you
Chances are it will cause more damage than good in the long run

In this whole weight loss journey I am blessed to have people who support me
I have people who are willing to give me food tips
A trainer who is willing to push me
I have kids who are willing to get out there and go for a walk with me or be willing to be my weight resistance
Mr. M who buys me healthy food and gym passes (Well he does not BUY them for me, just does not complain about the cost)
Friends and family who encourage me along the way.

I have an AMAZING friend

I have a friend who amazes me
I will call her McKinley
McKinley is a name I always wanted to name a little girl
And I didn't name my girl McKinley because I felt like it was not her name
McKinley is also the name of a really popular mountain in Alaska
You can go here to see a gorgeous picture of the Mountain

Anyways, back to McKinley
She has her own journey she has been on
I don't want to tell too much of her journey because that is her's, but I asked for her permission to post about a conversation we had in October
She gave her permission, and I am grateful
That conversation changed the way I looked at my weight and the way I viewed somethings in life
I will forever be grateful for her taking the time to talk to me and give me a boost that I needed
When I am struggling mentally, I think of our talk and it can help me change how I am thinking of myself

McKinley lost a LOT of weight
I knew her when she was at her heaviest
I was a teenager and didn't have the full weight struggle then that I do now, so I didn't understand why someone would be overweight, thinking it was just a choice someone was making to be overweight
I know, I was an ignorant teenager
She has an amazing smile, one which would help anyone feel comfortable around her, like she was their mother
She has the kindest most giving  heart
But her eyes had sadness in them
I didn't understand why someone so beautiful had such a sadness in her eyes
It was a sadness that would make someone want to reach out and hug them until they knew how important they are
But I never did that
And I never took the time to understand why she was overweight
I regret that

Fast forward 15 or so years later
I knew she would be coming down to my community and I asked if we could have a visit
She said yes and for that, I will be forever grateful
I knew I could talk to her about anything, not just the weight related
I began to open up about the pain of being over weight and the struggle to lose it
I had been "trying" for 2 months to lose weight
And had wanted to lose weight for 10 years
But never really had met someone who had WANTED to lose weight AND done it
She didn't just lose weight, she changed her life
I think my talk with her was the first time I understood the sadness in my eyes

It was wonderful to talk with her, hear of her success
Hear of her struggles along the way
That it was not always as easy as we may have perceived it
I would see her many facebook posts of her talking about what she did for a workout
She would talk about healthy food choices
She would encourage others in healthy lifestyle choices

And then we talked
We talked about how confident she looks, the happiness she has about her
Not just in her smile or the way she greets you
The happiness in her eyes
It was something that I had not seen when I was a teenager growing up
We talked about how with her losing weight she IS more confident, she IS happier
Then she said something to me that changed the way I thought of everything
She said "I wonder if people could see how important they were are when they are overweight, if it would change the way they carried them self and their happiness"
She wondered if she knew that and realized it before she lost her weight if it would have changed her before she lost the weight

Made me think
I came home and thought about that for a long time
For me, since I have been overweight, I have not felt like I have the right to be confident
I didn't feel like I had the right to be happy because I was not happy with the way I looked
"I am fat, I have earned my misery" is what I would think to myself
So I would try walking with confidence and happiness when no one was looking
It was odd
Then I would try it again
And it would feel slightly less odd
And I still keep trying

The part that really struck me from what she said though was "I wonder if people could see how important they are"
Sometimes, when you feel like you are at the bottom of the barrel, you feel like you have zero importance
The funny looks from people when you struggle with doing simple tasks, the comments of "Well, if you would just lose weight", the fact that you cannot get to the top of the stairs without being out of breath, Struggling to keep your kids on your lap because you have a fat roll on your stomach that gets in the way.
Those all don't do anything that boost your confidence and help crush any little bit of confidence that you do have.

I often think of mountains
I love the mountains and how none are the same
Each have their own paths where there are waterfalls and some have walking trails
Some have steep climbs, others are more of a slow slope
Sometimes you have a flat path that you can walk on for a time being but other times, you have no choice but to go up or head back down
Sometimes the route has to change in order to make it to the peak but as long as you are still moving, you are still making progress
There is something pretty satisfying about making it to your goal in a mountain climb (more another time)
And at the end of your climb, you have a confidence in being able to do something you have not done before


So carry yourself that little bit taller
Put a smile on your face and be happy
You are worth it
Happiness and confidence are not based on the number you see on the scale
It is something that comes from inside you and who you are
Don't give anyone that power to take it away from you
It is yours
Own it!

a few pictures

These pictures spoke to me when I saw them

photo credit

That scared me

While I was not 250, there is a very good chance that my body looks like that inside

If that woman was 5 feet 6 inches, that's exactly what it looked like

It was scary to see

The pressure on my body must have been tremendous

I will never be a super skinny person, I just would like to be healthy

This is how I can achieve it

photo credit

The big chick on the right, that's how I got the way I am

The chick on the left, that's how I am getting to where I need to be

This made a difference for me

One day, my friend Mike sent me this picture
I don't know where he got it from so I cannot give photo or personal credit to whomever came up with it
But it is BRILLIANT

And it helped me realize that it is true
If I have a great ATTITUDE, I can do it
But if I don't, I won't succeed
KNOWLEDGE and HARDWORK is not enough
I need to be willing to change my ATTITUDE about weight loss
I cannot look for easy ways out
The easiest part about the whole weight thing was gaining it
The food I shoved in my face took very little thought
That is the same food that sat like a rubber tire around my waist
That is the same food that made it hard for me to do things with my kids
That is the same food that was going to take my life if I didn't start to take myself seriously

Everyday will be a fight to change my ATTITUDE
I had to realize that I was worth any amount of work it would take to lose the weight
I had to realize that there are no easy ways out
I have often thought that I was not worth those changes
It is easy to think poorly of yourself when you feel the way you do and look as horrible as you feel
I had to change my ATTITUDE and realize that I AM worth it, even if I felt like I was faking it
Now that I have lost weight, I realize that I AM worth losing the weight
Not so I am skinny
Not so I lose my rubber tire around my waist
Not so I want to be in pictures

But because I am human and I have value on this earth
It took me years to realize that

219.7

I do not know what some people think of that number

I hated it

It was the heaviest I got

Some people have said "Oh it's not that bad"

When you are 5 foot nothing, it's not good

The scale was not my friend for a long time

To be honest, I expected to lose a lot of weight when I quit drinking diet coke

I didn't and that bugged me

I guess I was looking for the easy way to lose weight

No dice

I thought I would lose weight when I quit eating deep fried foods

I mean I was changing my diet again for the better and there was a bit of a change

I still was not DOING what I needed to be doing

I should have been eating more veggies

I should have been drinking more water

I should have been paying attention to portion sizes

In December I started having issues with maybe kidney stones, something like that, not sure really

The Doc sent me to get a ultrasound of my kidneys

I got a pretty big wake up call when I found out I have Fatty Liver Disease

I was most definitely NOT thinking of that

In fact, I had never heard of it before

I was about a week away from going to Alaska before I found out and since I knew I would have a lot of time on my hands, I planned to do a bunch of research

It have to take care of myself if I want to live

I have to take care of this liver of mine

I have a fatty liver because I am fat

I am mal-nourished and my body needs nourishment

We all KNOW these things but when you are trying to fill that void, you don't care what your body "needs

You do what you want

All of a sudden, I felt a strong sense of needing to take care of myself and this liver of mine

And my mental health

Because when I take care of one, I am taking care of the other

I hope to never see 219.7 on the scale

It will take hard work

It will take dedication

It will take working out in the gym

It will take putting down the food that I so want but know is not going to nourish me

I can do it

coming to peace with changes

On my other blog, I write about my love of deep fried foods
You can read about it here

I knew something needed to change but was unsure about wanting to give it up
I made the choice at the end of our holidays (perfect timing!) to give it up for a while
That was hard
I know to some people it may seem stupid but when something gives you comfort, you are drawn to it
You want it, crave it, feel the need to be filled
Not just physically, because that was an OVERFILL
Mentally and emotionally fill what was so empty in my life

I never really realized how hard it would be to give it up
Recently I was in Alaska visiting family
I made up my mind that I would not eat it for a year
That means nada for deep fried food for 1 year
When I said it it almost scared me
Who the heck was this person who would say that
Surely not I
But yes it was

And then I decided that before I did have anything deep fried, I want to figure out my relationship with foods that are deep fried
I know, it sounds nuts
But my relationship before was one where I was trying to fill a void
And was going to kill myself slowly with the way I was eating
And that void was n.e.v.e.r being filled
(personally I am just hoping that by the time a year is up that I get sick when I think of french fries!)

You can do whatever you need to to change eating habits
It WILL be hard
But YOU are worth it

So I wanted to start this blog in 2010

My weight climbed from there

And showed no signs of stopping

I really wanted to lose weight

Just really didn't know HOW to and was scared to ask

Why scared

I don't know, maybe pride

Losing weight is scary

My over eating reasons are scary

But changes had to be made

So they were, one small step at a time

That's all you can do

Changes were being made before I realized that I HAD to make them

In August 2010 I made some flippant remark on my Facebook about loving diet coke

My cousin challenged me to give it up 

She said she would give up ice cream until Christmas too

Give it up until Christmas

NO WAY

Then I thought about it and thought, "I can do it in a month"

So I started weaning myself from diet coke

That may sound pitiful but it NEEDED to happen

When you drink 6-8 cans a day of it, I felt I needed to wean myself

I was rarely drinking water

Sept 15th, 2010 was the last day I drank any diet coke

By that time I was down to 3 diet coke a day and 3 glasses of  milk then water

Oh my goodness, the headaches were ATROCIOUS

It was like that for about a week

Whenever I thought about going back to it, I thought of the headaches and it was easy to not drink it

I went until Christmas and then kept pushing myself

"Just a little bit further" I would tell myself.

Now it has been almost 18 months

Giving up that one thing that was "so important to me" taught myself I can do things I never thought I could

I never thought I could do it but for me, it has worked